I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
