and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
