Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
