I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
