I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
