Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
