I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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