people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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