Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
