I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
