god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
