I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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