Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
