you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
