Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
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