Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
