Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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