good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
