My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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