goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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