This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
