My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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