I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
