i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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