What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
