I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So squirting runs in the family.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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