Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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