Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
