I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
