I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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