I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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