omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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