I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You ruined the universe
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
