Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
