i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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