she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
