: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
