I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
