I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
