Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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