Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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