I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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