that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
