in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
