I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
