When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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