Need sex. Gaining weight.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
