On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
