Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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