I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
